Single Parenting

Only about 22% of families fit the traditional two-parent mold. This means an increasing number of children in the U.S. are growing up in a single-parent family. These single-parent families include single women choosing to have children and raise them on their own, divorced parents with single-parent arrangements, and families who experience the death of a parent.

Research shows that it isn't the lack of 2 parents that has a negative effect on a child's development. Rather, it is how unstable or disruptive the home is that can affect children. The following list provides some suggestions that could help your family:

1. Find stable places for child care and home. This may mean researching child care options thoroughly before choosing one to avoid frequently changing caregivers. Attempt as few moves as possible in other areas of your life.
2. Create a daily routine and try to stick to it 7 days a week. This includes waking up and going to bed at about the same time every day, eating meals on a regular schedule, and picking your child up from child care at an expected time.
3. Make visits with the other parent routine. Consistent contact with the other parent, both by phone and through visiting, is usually positive and in your child's best interest.
4. Use appropriate methods of discipline consistently. Divorced parents should try to establish similar disciplinary strategies and limits for acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Limits and methods of discipline will periodically change as a child grows older.
5. Don't put your child in the middle. If you are raising your child in 2 different homes, don't make your child responsible for carrying messages between parents. Don't ask the child to supply information about the other parent, and don't ask your child to choose sides in adult battles.
6. Treat your child like a child. Your child should not be concerned with adult problems. Treating your child as a confidante or source of support for personal problems can be very harmful.
7. Answer questions about the other parent briefly. Answer only the questions that are asked and answer them briefly.
8. Spend time with your child each day. Try to spend at least one "quiet time" period with your child daily. This is an opportunity to touch base during a busy schedule and can be calming and reassuring.
9. Make and keep family traditions.
10. Establish a good support system. This is important for both the parent and child. It may include extended family, a consistent play group, neighbors, friends, or parenting groups. Raising children is difficult, and a good backup when you are frustrated or exhausted is a necessity.
11. Volunteer to participate in activities at your child's school. This will allow you to meet other parents and have something to talk about with your child.
12. Develop a social life separate from your child. This could include an exercise group, book club, church group, etc. These are also good sources for support.
13. Consider your situation when dating. Dating can present different challenges, depending on the age of your child. At first, it may be easier on your child for you to meet your date outside the home until you have made some decision about the relationship. Young children tend to attach easily to adults who spend time with them. Older children can feel some jealousy or threat from someone with whom they must share their parent's time and space.
14. Seek professional help if serious problems develop. The feelings of grief or loss are often important to address in the case of divorce or death of one parent. Individual or family counseling can provide support for both the children and adults.
15. Explain your money problems. If the status of the family changes from a two-parent home to a single-parent home, finances are often affected. You may have to explain to your children that buying "extras" and some activities have to be limited. It might be a good idea to talk to a financial planner or accountant for help.

Where can I get help?

Organizations and books are good resources.

Organizations

Parents Without Partners International, Inc.
1650 South Dixie Hwy., Suite 510
Boca Raton, FL 33432
(561) 391-8833

SingleMOTHER
P.O. Box 68
Midland, NC 28107
http://www.singlemothers.org
(704) 888-5437

Single and Custodial Father's Network, Inc.
http://scfn.org

Books

In Praise of Single Parents: Mothers and Fathers Embracing the Challenge; by Shoshana Alexander; Houghton Mifflin, 1994

Mom's House, Dads House: A Complete Guide for Parents Who Are Separated, Divorced, or Remarried; by Isolina Ricci; Simon and Schuster, 1997

The Single Parent Family: Living Happily in a Changing World; by Marge Kennedy and Janet Spencer King; Crown Publishers, 1994

Single Parents by Choice: A Growing Trend in Family Life; by Naomi Miller, Insight Books, 1992

The Ultimate Survival Guide for the Single Father (e-book); by Thomas Herner; Harbinger Press, 2002